One of the first techniques to be mastered by any cat on the road to Enlighten Mint, is to do controlled purring. Don't just purr to be friendly. Withhold that purr until your needs are met. Require some effort from your servants. In many cases, a loud meow is more effective than a purr.

For example, your breakfast. Many of you have fallen into the abysmal habit of trying to wake up your human by just purring. Sorry - that just doesn't cut it. No matter how loud you purr, those dolts are probably still sleeping peacefully, dreaming that your purr is the sound of the surf on a beach or some such nonsense. It's not going to work. You need to raise your consciousness and your voice. Try this out for once - arrange yourself on one of their surfaces - faces are best but they are hard to balance on. Then let out a good old-fashioned meow. Think of yourself as an Egyptian temple cat, surrounded by sleeping priests and priestesses who only exist to serve you. Those folks knew what to do - leap up and get busy opening that can of Friskies.

Another sign of mistaken purring is sitting by the cat flap, purring to go outside. Seriously? You have already been insulted by the installation of a cat flap in the first place - it's a lazy human's devious plot to avoid doing their job. You need to let out a healthy meow or 2 until they actually open the door.

A lot of cats spend way too much time practicing purring and not enough time practicing their meowing. Just try a few minutes every night - 1am is a good time. You will improve your lung capacity and your circulation, not to mention annoying your servants.